I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
