Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
