My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
