Girls should come with a carfax report
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
