God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Can you bring me the toilet please
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
