Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
