I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
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