Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
