the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I need to stop coming to work sober
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Text me some of your sweat
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
