someone threw a dead crab at me
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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