If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
