I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Randomize
