so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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