You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
