I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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