my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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