I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
