im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
