If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
