Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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