okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
