The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
