I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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