The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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