Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
