I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
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