im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
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