i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
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