Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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