I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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