if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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