I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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