Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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