Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
He's on the porch naked. Help.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
