I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
