you guys were way drunker than both of me
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Randomize
