is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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