Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
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I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
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I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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