All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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