Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Pooping to opera.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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