So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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