The maid of honor just puked.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
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