You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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