Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
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