Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
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My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
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Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
We had sex on a dog bed..
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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