Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
