so explain again why im purple
no
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Dignity is for republicans.
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a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
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You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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