I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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