It's like God shit irony all over that family
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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