I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
