My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
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Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
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Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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