zippers are such a cool invention
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
