Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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