finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
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Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
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I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
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