I met the friendliest cop last night
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
